Thursday, August 15, 2013

Shut My Mouth

Happy Friday Everyone!!
I hope you are all enjoying the tidbits of Summer that are left as this season begins to dwindle away.   Summer vacations are becoming memories........children & teachers are heading back to school......and a lot of you stay at home moms are eagerly anticipating a quiet home once again.  I know most people hate to see Summer go.......but I'm alright with it.  Don't get me wrong I love Summer nights and the sense of freedom Summer brings.........but Fall is just more my style.  But I'll get into that once the weather crisps up and some leaves are on the ground......oh.....and when I have a pumpkin spice latte in my hand.  

So I have 1 week left with my little guy before I head back to work.  As most of you know I am dreading this very much.  I have cried my ugliest tears in the past few weeks and sobbed to my merciful Savior to help me overcome all these feelings.  With His grace and healing hands have I been able to get through it so far.  I have been doing my best to not think about it everyday and just spend time with my baby boy and the gorgeous too.  Cherishing every smile and laugh.  Holding that sweet crying child as I prepare to feed him.  Laugh as he smiles when I wash his little chunky butt.  LOL  

It has gotten a bit easier to cope with it all............especially since........................................


Not only did God bless us with an answered prayer that we desperately needed.  But he blessed us with someone with experience who we can trust and someone with a heart for children.  Now instead of having to drop him off to strangers........I have an old friend from high school who is willing to come to our home and watch him.  Someone who loves babies and actually worked her other job's schedule around us.  Someone who cut us a HUGE deal finances wise.  My fear of him getting sick all the time with all the kids at daycare are gone....or the fear that he would have been in the crib alone all day.....or the billion other things racing in my mind.    Its amazing how God uses certain people to answer our prayers.  

At times where we think there is no answer and no upside for us.....God is taking care of it. I picture him sitting I cry like a crabby child at his feet......and he is just letting me pour out all my frustrations and things I think I deserve.........and when I'm done whining........he picks up my chin....and calmly says.......I GOT THIS.  I am already working it out for you.  I'll let you know when I'm done.  Just relax and give it to me.  Give it to me and leave it there.

I don't know about you.........but I tend to make things worse in my head/heart than they really are.  Mountains out of mole hills...........please.........I make hurricanes out of rain drops.   I make my problems so big that I cant see God already standing on the other side with an outcome.   

That's half the reason I named by blog today: SHUT MY MOUTH.  God continues to humble me every time I hit some problem that seems magnanimous and shows me his Grace.  I have a very dear friend and prayer warrior email me with some verses last week when I was having the hardest time and crying all day thinking about going back to work.  The few verses that stuck out to me were ones I had read before.......but this time.......certain words are now forever engraved in my heart and head.  

Hebrews 4:16
Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Jeremiah 17:7
But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. 

Joshua 1:9
 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

Confidence, trust, courageous............and the fact He will not only be wherever I go........but wants to be there.  I never thought about going to the lord with confidence.........I thought that would make me seem greedy or prideful.  But as I reread this verses......I can stand firm and know that's how God expects his children to come to him...........confident.........not in ourselves or our prayers.......but confident in our God, our Savior, our Father, our friend!  Knowing who He is and what He can and will do.  That will make me shut my  mouth quickly!!!

The other half of the reason I named by blog as such...................sigh.........I can barely type this without crying.  Due to the amazing world of social media...I am bombarded with pictures and stories of sick or dying people or pets or just horrible stories.  Now I have always been an emotional person....way before baby boy was even a glimmer in my eye........but now that I am a mommy........its gotten more severe.  There are some stories I can bypass and then some that literally knock the breath out of me.  And then I think about them for days...........and I dwell on it.  Probably not in a healthy way.  I come across a pretty popular page and I begin to read this mothers blog. Her 133 day old baby boy is fighting for his life and she is praising our God through it all.  She cant hold him today because of how bad he is doing today and seems to know his days are coming to an end.  And I lose it.  I hold my baby and cry and cry and think how trivial all my problems are.  ALL OF THEM.  Work, finances, relationship drama, bills, car problems........EVERYTHING.  My son was an easy pregnancy, easy delivery, and healthy and growing.  WHO AM I TO COMPLAIN?!?  I read her words tonight and just said "Shut your mouth Corrie"  While my issues are things that are the end of it all............this is nothing compared to what his mom and dad and this precious baby fighting for his life are going through.  Heck his mom wouldn't even blink an eye at my "problems"  So while I pray for this little guy and I ask that you join me.............I ask God...why am I feeling this so deeply.  Its not just because I'm a mom now.  There is something during my whole life........where I feel things for other people and it literally sits with me for days/weeks/months and i dwell on it.  Why is that?  Is this something God instilled in me for His purpose that has yet to be revealed?  I hope so. 

We took another family walk this week.  I dunno if my back will ever recover after being pregnant.  When we got home my back and knees hurt so bad.  Its kind of discouraging since I used to walk at least 1 hour a day.......pretty fast........and if on the treadmill...i did intervals of the highest incline.  Now I can barely walk a slow pace with the stroller.  Getting back into my healthy lifestyle is going to be harder than I thought.  

Well I rambled on again pretty long this week and I'm sure I lost some of you. Oh well......I'm a chatter. 

Tune in next week to see how my first day back to work went and join me
 as I continue on this journey as a new mommy, a great wife, and reignite my healthy lifestyle. 

****If you are interested in reading about the baby and his parents you can go to Prayers for Corbin page on Facebook at  
I do warn you........its very heart wrenching.

Monday, August 5, 2013

And away we go..........

Well it only took a year and a half but I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.  

I decided to get my blog back up and running because I have a zillion emotions running through me lately that I need to get them out in a healthy way before I cry myself into oblivion.  LOL 

Since my last post............I kind of got in a rut of not wanting to work hard at my healthy lifestyle and kind of quit working so hard.  I didn't give up but I also wasn't giving it my all.  And then something happened that kind of halted the intensity i needed................I GOT PREGNANT!  Obviously this was an amazing blessing and my gorgeous and I were ecstatic.  So my workouts and stricter eating habits went on the back burner as I happily welcomed 10 months of helping God create this miracle in my womb.  Even though I had crazy back pain and lack of sleep after month 3..........I loved...loved...loved being prego.  Compared to most women, I had a pretty easy pregnancy.  No real morning sickness and baby was healthy.  I loved feeling all his movements from the little flutters at the beginning all the way to his kicks, punches, cartwheels, and rolling around all day long in my belly.  I miss it so much.  Of course I love having him here with me now...........but it was an amazing time of my life that I'll cherish always.  I think pregnancy suited me.  LOL

So here we are........our family of 2 is now a little family of 3.  I am a mommy to a feisty little baby boy.  I am not sure why God chose me to be his mother but I could not be happier.  

With all that said............while I am so happy right now.......I am also living in a time of fear and sadness.  I only have a couple weeks left to spend with my little guy before I go back to work full time.  I cry almost daily just thinking about it.  I know a lot of you might be rolling your eyes  at this or thinking its not that big of a deal.  And of course, its not a huge deal.  I am thankful I was able to have children and that my child is healthy.  I am not discounting any of the blessings that I have in my life.  But before you tell me to get over it.......let me tell you why this is so hard.  

All of my life, all I ever wanted was to be a mommy.  A stay at home mommy to a handful of kids and the kind of wife you find in Proverbs 31.  Now if you have read Proverbs 31 you know those are huge shoes to fill..........but that's what I wanted. It was my dream.  This was my career goal.   Because of that I never really pushed myself in school.  I did well and got good grades....but had I tried harder, I'm sure I would have done alot more.  I didn't care much about college and haven't completed more than a semester since....I just wanted to be a mommy.  In hindsight I realize that was probably a poor idea on my part and should have pushed harder in school.  But we cant change the past.  My poor mother also wanted nothing more than to stay home with her children but life handed her a lot of hardships and she was not able to do so.  I watched her work all the time and miss so much of our childhoods.  School trips, class parties,  basketball games, cheer leading functions, volleyball games, and all the little everyday smiles before we were of age to attend school.  To this day she regrets it and said if she could do it all over again, she would have found a way to be with us.    Please don't get it twisted though.....just because that's what my mom wanted doesn't mean that's why I wanted it.  I do have my own brain and heart.   And my heart has always been for children. I feel deep in my core that my love for kids comes from God himself. 

So as my maternity leave winds down, I am struck with this sadness and pain that makes it heard to breathe most of the time.  I am sad to think I don't have all day with my little guy anymore.  That some other woman/day care will get to enjoy him all day.  That he is spending more time out of home than in home where he belongs.  That someone else is teaching him things that I should be teaching him.  I am scared of the pain and sadness I will experience that first morning I leave him.  And who knows how many days after that.... That my attitude and work performance will suffer while I think and worry about him all day.  I am scared that if he does go to a day care that he will cry at some point and not get held or cuddled the way I would do it.  That he will wake up from his nap and move his little head around looking for me and find a stranger.  That he will like it with the sitter/day care more than with me and his daddy.  And I am scared that my dream of being a stay at home mommy  may never happen.  

I pray to God every day, especially in moments such as now where tears are pouring down my face, to give me strength and peace about going back to work and to find the joy in the situation.  To trust in Him and his timing ........but I have to confess its very hard.  This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life so far.   I feel guilty about voicing my sadness because I know my husband feels bad that I cant stay home right now.  He of course loves the idea of me being home with our kids............but our world is different from 50 years ago when women could stay home with no question.  Cost of living is high and going up.   My  husband would work 3 jobs to let me stay home but I refuse.  I don't want a marriage where my  husband is always working and exhausted from it.  I want us to have family time and our son to be able to have daddy time.  

Maybe this is all too much to ask for.  But I refuse to settle.  Maybe some of you are still rolling your eyes and thinking I'm over reacting.  But let me ask you this.  Are you living your dreams?  Are you currently following them now?  What if you couldn't have your dream job?  Would you understand me then?  So yes ...this is not the worst thing in the world and since this is reality I'll have to just deal with it.  My question is how.  How did the rest of you do it?  How did you get through the pain and tears?  Right now...all i can see is the pain and tears.  And I hate that.  I'm praying that through His word and prayer, that my Savior will not only lead me through this dark time but also teach me something and help me be able to help others who may be struggling with this.  Of course I'm still praying for a miracle too and that I can stay home with my baby boy soon. Even working from home is an option.  As long as I could be with my little man as he grows up.   I would be lying if I said otherwise. 

Well I've rambled enough for now. LOL  I'll try to make the next post less depressing.  But please stay with me as I continue on this journey as a new mommy, a great wife, and reignite my healthy lifestyle.