Hello again everyone!!

Well....I warmed you...writing every week is a challenge for me.  LOL  If it isnt my own procrastination, its my handsome little guy waking up or fussing as soon as I grab the computer.  Oy vey!!  #newmommyproblems

I suppose I'll learn how to juggle it all sooner or later.  Plus....since I'm back to work full time now I cant justify doing my own stuff when that precious boy wants my attention.  I just want to soak up every second when I'm with him.  Have I mentioned how cute he is??  LOL

So....As of today I have been back to work for 2 full weeks.  And as you can see I survived.  But I wont lie.  This has really been the hardest thing I've had to do so far in my life.  And I get that I am so unbelievably blessed to have this struggle.  I get that.  God do I realize it.  In the past 2 months I have been bombarded with gut wrenching, heart breaking, life shattering stories about how some mothers dont get this opportunity.  That their precious life that once lived inside them was taken away too soon.  And when reading these stories....i cry my heart out and feel a tiny fraction of their pain. 

 But this is something I had to deal with....in my life.  And it hurts.  Every single day so far it hurts.  We all get up and get ready for our day....and then the par t I hate.....saying goodbye to him.... its like knocking the wind out of me.  I hate it.  Once I get to work then I am busy and my mind keeps running.  But in mere seconds his giggly face returns and my heart aches to be next to him.  

 I wake up to the sound of my little guy either fussing or stretching or whining cuz he's hungry and I love it.  I LOVE being a mom.   I thank God for that little whine.  He is a beautiful child and I have no clue what I did in my life that God looked down and said....ok little one.....there she is.....that one is gonna be your mommy.    My dream was always to be a mommy.

So I thank everyone for all their prayers and advice.  I know I would have been way worse off without all of you and your words.   God is definitely holding my hand along this transition in life.  I can actually feel Him.  But it does still hurt.  And in those times.....I cling to my savior and just cry out to him.  Only he knows my pain.  

For all my friends who arent moms yet, I apologize that my blog is a little off kilter and not what you're used to.  I'm sure once I get over this hump you will love me again.  LOL  

I dont share my struggles to scare anyone or to be a victim and get attention.  I share my struggles because....well...why hide?  Maybe someone else is out there feeling this way and can relate.  I dont pretend to have it all or have it all together.  So I want you all to see the real me and know......I'm being real.  

September is upon us and why in the world is it almost 100 degrees out?!?

WHY?!?!?  That is just pure blasphemy!!   Autumn is my favorite season and I am too excited to feel that crisp nip in the air that causes me to grab a hoodie and take a looong walk.  Except that this time....I get to dress my baby up in his warm clothes and bring him along!!   Grabbing a pumpkin coffee....going to orchards...making fall crafts.........or just basking in the colors that God painted himself.  I CANNOT WAIT!!  

But until the weather resembles fall.............I cannot embrace it fully!!

Tomorrow it will be 2 months since I gave birth........so I guess that means time for me to get back into my healthy lifestyle.   My motivation is slow like molasses.  I want to get back into it and be healthy and lose weight....but I want to be excited about it.  I hate not looking forward to working out.  But on the flip side.  I am only 6 lbs more than I was before I was prego with my little guy. So I dont have a huge difference I'm working with.  Just need to buckle down!!

Any who............thats about it for now.  I hope I havent lost your interests yet!! 

Stay tuned as  I continue on this journey as a new mommy, a great wife, and reignite my healthy lifestyle. 

Shut My Mouth

Happy Friday Everyone!!
I hope you are all enjoying the tidbits of Summer that are left as this season begins to dwindle away.   Summer vacations are becoming memories........children & teachers are heading back to school......and a lot of you stay at home moms are eagerly anticipating a quiet home once again.  I know most people hate to see Summer go.......but I'm alright with it.  Don't get me wrong I love Summer nights and the sense of freedom Summer brings.........but Fall is just more my style.  But I'll get into that once the weather crisps up and some leaves are on the ground......oh.....and when I have a pumpkin spice latte in my hand.  

So I have 1 week left with my little guy before I head back to work.  As most of you know I am dreading this very much.  I have cried my ugliest tears in the past few weeks and sobbed to my merciful Savior to help me overcome all these feelings.  With His grace and healing hands have I been able to get through it so far.  I have been doing my best to not think about it everyday and just spend time with my baby boy and the gorgeous too.  Cherishing every smile and laugh.  Holding that sweet crying child as I prepare to feed him.  Laugh as he smiles when I wash his little chunky butt.  LOL  

It has gotten a bit easier to cope with it all............especially since........................................

WE FOUND A BABY SITTER!!!  PRAISE THE LORD!!!  

Not only did God bless us with an answered prayer that we desperately needed.  But he blessed us with someone with experience who we can trust and someone with a heart for children.  Now instead of having to drop him off to strangers........I have an old friend from high school who is willing to come to our home and watch him.  Someone who loves babies and actually worked her other job's schedule around us.  Someone who cut us a HUGE deal finances wise.  My fear of him getting sick all the time with all the kids at daycare are gone....or the fear that he would have been in the crib alone all day.....or the billion other things racing in my mind.    Its amazing how God uses certain people to answer our prayers.  

At times where we think there is no answer and no upside for us.....God is taking care of it. I picture him sitting there.........as I cry like a crabby child at his feet......and he is just letting me pour out all my frustrations and things I think I deserve.........and when I'm done whining........he picks up my chin....and calmly says.......I GOT THIS.  I am already working it out for you.  I'll let you know when I'm done.  Just relax and give it to me.  Give it to me and leave it there.

I don't know about you.........but I tend to make things worse in my head/heart than they really are.  Mountains out of mole hills...........please.........I make hurricanes out of rain drops.   I make my problems so big that I cant see God already standing on the other side with an outcome.   

That's half the reason I named by blog today: SHUT MY MOUTH.  God continues to humble me every time I hit some problem that seems magnanimous and shows me his Grace.  I have a very dear friend and prayer warrior email me with some verses last week when I was having the hardest time and crying all day thinking about going back to work.  The few verses that stuck out to me were ones I had read before.......but this time.......certain words are now forever engraved in my heart and head.  

Hebrews 4:16

Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Jeremiah 17:7

But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. 

Joshua 1:9

 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

Confidence, trust, courageous............and the fact He will not only be wherever I go........but wants to be there.  I never thought about going to the lord with confidence.........I thought that would make me seem greedy or prideful.  But as I reread this verses......I can stand firm and know that's how God expects his children to come to him...........confident.........not in ourselves or our prayers.......but confident in our God, our Savior, our Father, our friend....best friend!  Knowing who He is and what He can and will do.  That will make me shut my  mouth quickly!!!

The other half of the reason I named by blog as such...................sigh.........I can barely type this without crying.  Due to the amazing world of social media...I am bombarded with pictures and stories of sick or dying people or pets or just horrible stories.  Now I have always been an emotional person....way before baby boy was even a glimmer in my eye........but now that I am a mommy........its gotten more severe.  There are some stories I can bypass and then some that literally knock the breath out of me.  And then I think about them for days...........and I dwell on it.  Probably not in a healthy way.  I come across a pretty popular page and I begin to read this mothers blog. Her 133 day old baby boy is fighting for his life and she is praising our God through it all.  She cant hold him today because of how bad he is doing today and seems to know his days are coming to an end.  And I lose it.  I hold my baby and cry and cry and think how trivial all my problems are.  ALL OF THEM.  Work, finances, relationship drama, bills, car problems........EVERYTHING.  My son was an easy pregnancy, easy delivery, and healthy and growing.  WHO AM I TO COMPLAIN?!?  I read her words tonight and just said "Shut your mouth Corrie"  While my issues are things that are stressful.............in the end of it all............this is nothing compared to what his mom and dad and this precious baby fighting for his life are going through.  Heck his mom wouldn't even blink an eye at my "problems"  So while I pray for this little guy and I ask that you join me.............I ask God...why am I feeling this so deeply.  Its not just because I'm a mom now.  There is something during my whole life........where I feel things for other people and it literally sits with me for days/weeks/months and i dwell on it.  Why is that?  Is this something God instilled in me for His purpose that has yet to be revealed?  I hope so. 

We took another family walk this week.  I dunno if my back will ever recover after being pregnant.  When we got home my back and knees hurt so bad.  Its kind of discouraging since I used to walk at least 1 hour a day.......pretty fast........and if on the treadmill...i did intervals of the highest incline.  Now I can barely walk a slow pace with the stroller.  Getting back into my healthy lifestyle is going to be harder than I thought.  

Well I rambled on again pretty long this week and I'm sure I lost some of you. Oh well......I'm a chatter. 

Tune in next week to see how my first day back to work went and join me

 as I continue on this journey as a new mommy, a great wife, and reignite my healthy lifestyle. 

****If you are interested in reading about the baby and his parents you can go to Prayers for Corbin page on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/prayersforcorbinmchenry  

I do warn you........its very heart wrenching.

And away we go..........

Well it only took a year and a half but I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.  

I decided to get my blog back up and running because I have a zillion emotions running through me lately that I need to get them out in a healthy way before I cry myself into oblivion.  LOL 

Since my last post............I kind of got in a rut of not wanting to work hard at my healthy lifestyle and kind of quit working so hard.  I didn't give up but I also wasn't giving it my all.  And then something happened that kind of halted the intensity i needed................I GOT PREGNANT!  Obviously this was an amazing blessing and my gorgeous and I were ecstatic.  So my workouts and stricter eating habits went on the back burner as I happily welcomed 10 months of helping God create this miracle in my womb.  Even though I had crazy back pain and lack of sleep after month 3..........I loved...loved...loved being prego.  Compared to most women, I had a pretty easy pregnancy.  No real morning sickness and baby was healthy.  I loved feeling all his movements from the little flutters at the beginning all the way to his kicks, punches, cartwheels, and rolling around all day long in my belly.  I miss it so much.  Of course I love having him here with me now...........but it was an amazing time of my life that I'll cherish always.  I think pregnancy suited me.  LOL

So here we are........our family of 2 is now a little family of 3.  I am a mommy to a feisty little baby boy.  I am not sure why God chose me to be his mother but I could not be happier.  

With all that said............while I am so happy right now.......I am also living in a time of fear and sadness.  I only have a couple weeks left to spend with my little guy before I go back to work full time.  I cry almost daily just thinking about it.  I know a lot of you might be rolling your eyes  at this or thinking its not that big of a deal.  And of course, its not a huge deal.  I am thankful I was able to have children and that my child is healthy.  I am not discounting any of the blessings that I have in my life.  But before you tell me to get over it.......let me tell you why this is so hard.  

All of my life, all I ever wanted was to be a mommy.  A stay at home mommy to a handful of kids and the kind of wife you find in Proverbs 31.  Now if you have read Proverbs 31 you know those are huge shoes to fill..........but that's what I wanted. It was my dream.  This was my career goal.   Because of that I never really pushed myself in school.  I did well and got good grades....but had I tried harder, I'm sure I would have done alot more.  I didn't care much about college and haven't completed more than a semester since....I just wanted to be a mommy.  In hindsight I realize that was probably a poor idea on my part and should have pushed harder in school.  But we cant change the past.  My poor mother also wanted nothing more than to stay home with her children but life handed her a lot of hardships and she was not able to do so.  I watched her work all the time and miss so much of our childhoods.  School trips, class parties,  basketball games, cheer leading functions, volleyball games, and all the little everyday smiles before we were of age to attend school.  To this day she regrets it and said if she could do it all over again, she would have found a way to be with us.    Please don't get it twisted though.....just because that's what my mom wanted doesn't mean that's why I wanted it.  I do have my own brain and heart.   And my heart has always been for children. I feel deep in my core that my love for kids comes from God himself. 

So as my maternity leave winds down, I am struck with this sadness and pain that makes it heard to breathe most of the time.  I am sad to think I don't have all day with my little guy anymore.  That some other woman/day care will get to enjoy him all day.  That he is spending more time out of home than in home where he belongs.  That someone else is teaching him things that I should be teaching him.  I am scared of the pain and sadness I will experience that first morning I leave him.  And who knows how many days after that.... That my attitude and work performance will suffer while I think and worry about him all day.  I am scared that if he does go to a day care that he will cry at some point and not get held or cuddled the way I would do it.  That he will wake up from his nap and move his little head around looking for me and find a stranger.  That he will like it with the sitter/day care more than with me and his daddy.  And I am scared that my dream of being a stay at home mommy  may never happen.  

I pray to God every day, especially in moments such as now where tears are pouring down my face, to give me strength and peace about going back to work and to find the joy in the situation.  To trust in Him and his timing ........but I have to confess its very hard.  This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life so far.   I feel guilty about voicing my sadness because I know my husband feels bad that I cant stay home right now.  He of course loves the idea of me being home with our kids............but our world is different from 50 years ago when women could stay home with no question.  Cost of living is high and going up.   My  husband would work 3 jobs to let me stay home but I refuse.  I don't want a marriage where my  husband is always working and exhausted from it.  I want us to have family time and our son to be able to have daddy time.  

Maybe this is all too much to ask for.  But I refuse to settle.  Maybe some of you are still rolling your eyes and thinking I'm over reacting.  But let me ask you this.  Are you living your dreams?  Are you currently following them now?  What if you couldn't have your dream job?  Would you understand me then?  So yes ...this is not the worst thing in the world and since this is reality I'll have to just deal with it.  My question is how.  How did the rest of you do it?  How did you get through the pain and tears?  Right now...all i can see is the pain and tears.  And I hate that.  I'm praying that through His word and prayer, that my Savior will not only lead me through this dark time but also teach me something and help me be able to help others who may be struggling with this.  Of course I'm still praying for a miracle too and that I can stay home with my baby boy soon. Even working from home is an option.  As long as I could be with my little man as he grows up.   I would be lying if I said otherwise. 

Well I've rambled enough for now. LOL  I'll try to make the next post less depressing.  But please stay with me as I continue on this journey as a new mommy, a great wife, and reignite my healthy lifestyle.  

*BOOM*

Alright,

Well if you haven't figured it out by now....I'm a total procrastinator.  My once a week blog is almost once a month now.  I'M SORRY Y'ALL!!  Life has just been whipping my tail these days and making things difficult.  So......grab your glass of water cuz ...well.....if that's all I'm drinking you better not be reading this while holding a Pepsi/coke/cola/pop/soda!!!

So.....first things first.....I have lost 10 pounds!  Now that was as of 2 Saturdays ago....I haven't weighed in since then....I'm too scurred!

The last 2 weeks have been real difficult for me.  My motivation/inspiration has been close to nothing.  Some personal issues going on and I haven't been relying on my Savior as though my life depends on it.  So I was kind of in a sad stormy funk.   So my workout days happened...but I didn't push as hard as I should have and my food choices weren't the best.  No I didn't stuff my face or over eat.....I just picked the wrong things to eat. One big change is when you are used to working out with someone and then they are gone........there's no one to encourage you or push you.........well except yourself.  And I dunno about y'all...but I never trust myself!!!   My lovely friend was on vacation last week so I didn't have her at my workout beck and call either. 

Now....let me tell you about my friend.  For her privacy I am going to just call her Keyonce........cuz A) that's her nickname and B) her name starts with K and she LOVES LOVES LOVES Beyonce.  I love this girl to the moon and back.  I am a firm believer God puts certain people in our lives at certain times for a reason.  Its up to Him to decide how long he blesses us with those people.......so I tend to hold tight to the ones I love....(maybe too tight??  Suffocation?? Just ask my husband)  Any who.......my friend is "laughing her butt off" right along side me.  Of course I think she is crazy because my goal is actually to be what her size is now....but I support her like she is supporting me.  She has waaaay better discipline than I do and her diet/work out regimen is way harder than mine.  She helps push me and supports me every day.  We work together so having her everyday really spoils me.  Since she was on vacay last week....my soul was sad too.  We try to keep each other smiling and encourage each other......so that was one reason I was down.

But today I am feeling great!!!  I am definitely one of those people...that when Spring/Fall is around the corner.....my soul jumps for joy and I get very energetic.  I had THE BEST Sunday with my gorgeous today and I'm just very thankful for these moments God gives us.  I love children and want to have as many as I can.......but I can't lie....I am enjoying my time with just my husband and me.  This Spring and Summer is going to be the best we've ever had and since I'm slimming down and making life changes........it can only be better than I'm imagining.  He's doing his thing and working out and does boxing......He really is a wonder to watch. I don't think there is anything that man cant do. 

Since the weather is warming up (well...until Mother Nature decides to throw us an April snow storm) I have been walking on my lunch break.  That is such a great feeling!  I get a little SEVENDUST on my mp3 player and walk as far  and as fast as i can in 15 minutes and then walk back.  Now....i may not look as cute as I did when i started my day....but if you still look cute after your workout....then you didn't work hard enough.  And now that the Sun loves us enough to stay out longer...i can come home and walk farther and longer.  EXTRA WORKOUTS MEAN MORE RESULTS!! 

I still haven't had any soda for a month.  THAT IS A HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT FOR ME!!  If it weren't for God's strength that only He can give me....I would never be able to do it.  Once Summer comes along and BBQ season is in full swing......the temptation will increase.....but I'm up for the challenge! 

Folks at work are super nice and are telling me they can already see a difference in my weight.  I hope they're not just being nice and trying to make me feel good.  It does make me feel good but I need the truth!  They see me everyday so I'm trusting them. 

OH...........and yesterday I got my hair did.........I'm not saying what color cuz I want some folks to be surprised tomorrow......but I love it.....my gorgeous is crazy about it.......and I cant lie....it has given me a boost of confidence.  I'm not a girly girl by any means....I actually joke with my friends that I need to take a "REAL GIRL" boot camp......but I do believe a pampering is needed for one's self every once and a while.


So....here we are.....1 month down.....11 to go.  1 year is what I've given myself to reach my goal weight....but some of the food/work out changes will be with me the rest of my life.   I am thankful for the changes that have already been made and the progress I've reached...but I have a long hard road to go...........but I can do this.....ONLY through Christ who strengthens me!

*BOOM*

         I wanted to start this blog 2 weeks ago, so I would have 1 blog per week but as always...I had run into some technical difficulties.  I am in no way, shape, or form Internet or computer savvy. 

         
          To start things off, many of you reading this know me, but maybe not to the degree you are about to know me.  I am 26 going on 21 years old.  I say that because I definitely don't feel like I'm just a few years from 30.  I steel feel like a teenager most of the time.  I feel young because I try to laugh as much as possible.  I thoroughly believe one of the main reasons the Good Lord put me on this earth was to encourage others and keep folks smiling.  I crack jokes all the time and most of that time...the jokes are about myself.  I've become quite good at it.........but.....its no bueno for my soul.  I am married to a gorgeous Latino man......(yeah you guessed it...he's the Mexican...I am not)  I am pretty sure God just ran out of tan paint when he knitted me in my mother's womb because I love all that is Mexican.  From the food, culture, language, land, ....and my husband.  He is my rock and support system. He is the one who has challenged me to step up and take care of myself. We have been together almost 9 years and married almost 1.   I thank God everyday for that man. 

         I have always struggled with my weight.  But even when I say that, I cringe.   I look at pictures of myself when I was younger, you know when all girls think they're fat, or when all girls make each other feel like they're fat.  AND I WASN'T FAT!!  I wasted many years thinking that.  However , now, I am fat.  I am 321 pounds.  (Ewww...did I just say that out loud?)  I recently saw my doctor and nutritionist for a full evaluation.  Since I was 14 years old, I was diagnosed with an underactive Thyroid.  So that alone is like a wall to climb when it comes to losing weight.   I am not diabetic and my blood pressure and cholesterol are doing OK.  My doctor couldn't understand that......she said girls alot younger and skinnier me have higher blood pressure than I do.  That made me feel good.....not for their sake but mine.  I equate that to laughing all the time.  There would be alot less blood pressure medications if y'all would just laugh more!  Obviously my age and weight are a concern.....medically, personally, and though my Gorgeous loves me......I know he is worried about me too.

 So here we are.........two weeks since I've started my healthy journey/new way of looking at food.  I must say......time seems to stand absolutely still when you don't get to eat all you want when you want.  Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since I had any form of soda (pop, coke, cola, what have you) and so far that has proven to be my Everest.  It's around me all day, every day.........calling to me.  Its sugary, carbonated, ice cold deliciousness taunts me all            day            long.      But...I have resisted.....thank you Jesus!  My nutritionist has me on a meal plan similar to the Atkins diet.  So I have been munching on veggies around the clock and eating as much chicken as I can afford.  Life is kind of crazy right now so I haven't ventured out to making dinners again......just small portions to eat.  I love to cook and I havent figured out how to cook healthy yet.  I hit the gym about 2-3 times a week........although I need to bump that up to 4-5 times.  I will be getting a personal trainer in the next few weeks....and I could not be more terrified.  I am probably one of the cheapest people you'll ever meet...so paying for that is almost as scary as actually doing the work. 

        But everything worth anything in this life, is never easy. WHICH I HATE.   So as I continue on my journey, blogging it for the world to see........I am eager for this change.  I am awaiting the day I can look in the mirror and not immediately say "GROSS"  Cuz I do do that.  Actually I avoid mirrors as much as possible.  I look forward to carrying my babies in my belly and actually being healthy.  I look forward to seeing that gleam in my Gorgeous's eyes when he is proud of me and thinks I am smoking hot!  (Well more than I already am.  LOL JK)  The list goes on and on but these are on my top right now. 

So....here we go.......week 3 and full throttle. 

*BOOM*