And away we go..........
Well it only took a year and a half but I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.
I decided to get my blog back up and running because I have a zillion emotions running through me lately that I need to get them out in a healthy way before I cry myself into oblivion. LOL
Since my last post............I kind of got in a rut of not wanting to work hard at my healthy lifestyle and kind of quit working so hard. I didn't give up but I also wasn't giving it my all. And then something happened that kind of halted the intensity i needed................I GOT PREGNANT! Obviously this was an amazing blessing and my gorgeous and I were ecstatic. So my workouts and stricter eating habits went on the back burner as I happily welcomed 10 months of helping God create this miracle in my womb. Even though I had crazy back pain and lack of sleep after month 3..........I loved...loved...loved being prego. Compared to most women, I had a pretty easy pregnancy. No real morning sickness and baby was healthy. I loved feeling all his movements from the little flutters at the beginning all the way to his kicks, punches, cartwheels, and rolling around all day long in my belly. I miss it so much. Of course I love having him here with me now...........but it was an amazing time of my life that I'll cherish always. I think pregnancy suited me. LOL
So here we are........our family of 2 is now a little family of 3. I am a mommy to a feisty little baby boy. I am not sure why God chose me to be his mother but I could not be happier.
With all that said............while I am so happy right now.......I am also living in a time of fear and sadness. I only have a couple weeks left to spend with my little guy before I go back to work full time. I cry almost daily just thinking about it. I know a lot of you might be rolling your eyes at this or thinking its not that big of a deal. And of course, its not a huge deal. I am thankful I was able to have children and that my child is healthy. I am not discounting any of the blessings that I have in my life. But before you tell me to get over it.......let me tell you why this is so hard.
All of my life, all I ever wanted was to be a mommy. A stay at home mommy to a handful of kids and the kind of wife you find in Proverbs 31. Now if you have read Proverbs 31 you know those are huge shoes to fill..........but that's what I wanted. It was my dream. This was my career goal. Because of that I never really pushed myself in school. I did well and got good grades....but had I tried harder, I'm sure I would have done alot more. I didn't care much about college and haven't completed more than a semester since....I just wanted to be a mommy. In hindsight I realize that was probably a poor idea on my part and should have pushed harder in school. But we cant change the past. My poor mother also wanted nothing more than to stay home with her children but life handed her a lot of hardships and she was not able to do so. I watched her work all the time and miss so much of our childhoods. School trips, class parties, basketball games, cheer leading functions, volleyball games, and all the little everyday smiles before we were of age to attend school. To this day she regrets it and said if she could do it all over again, she would have found a way to be with us. Please don't get it twisted though.....just because that's what my mom wanted doesn't mean that's why I wanted it. I do have my own brain and heart. And my heart has always been for children. I feel deep in my core that my love for kids comes from God himself.
So as my maternity leave winds down, I am struck with this sadness and pain that makes it heard to breathe most of the time. I am sad to think I don't have all day with my little guy anymore. That some other woman/day care will get to enjoy him all day. That he is spending more time out of home than in home where he belongs. That someone else is teaching him things that I should be teaching him. I am scared of the pain and sadness I will experience that first morning I leave him. And who knows how many days after that.... That my attitude and work performance will suffer while I think and worry about him all day. I am scared that if he does go to a day care that he will cry at some point and not get held or cuddled the way I would do it. That he will wake up from his nap and move his little head around looking for me and find a stranger. That he will like it with the sitter/day care more than with me and his daddy. And I am scared that my dream of being a stay at home mommy may never happen.
I pray to God every day, especially in moments such as now where tears are pouring down my face, to give me strength and peace about going back to work and to find the joy in the situation. To trust in Him and his timing ........but I have to confess its very hard. This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life so far. I feel guilty about voicing my sadness because I know my husband feels bad that I cant stay home right now. He of course loves the idea of me being home with our kids............but our world is different from 50 years ago when women could stay home with no question. Cost of living is high and going up. My husband would work 3 jobs to let me stay home but I refuse. I don't want a marriage where my husband is always working and exhausted from it. I want us to have family time and our son to be able to have daddy time.
Maybe this is all too much to ask for. But I refuse to settle. Maybe some of you are still rolling your eyes and thinking I'm over reacting. But let me ask you this. Are you living your dreams? Are you currently following them now? What if you couldn't have your dream job? Would you understand me then? So yes ...this is not the worst thing in the world and since this is reality I'll have to just deal with it. My question is how. How did the rest of you do it? How did you get through the pain and tears? Right now...all i can see is the pain and tears. And I hate that. I'm praying that through His word and prayer, that my Savior will not only lead me through this dark time but also teach me something and help me be able to help others who may be struggling with this. Of course I'm still praying for a miracle too and that I can stay home with my baby boy soon. Even working from home is an option. As long as I could be with my little man as he grows up. I would be lying if I said otherwise.
Well I've rambled enough for now. LOL I'll try to make the next post less depressing. But please stay with me as I continue on this journey as a new mommy, a great wife, and reignite my healthy lifestyle.